EXOD411 "Fearing" God, Honoring Our Parents. We learn a good deal about this intermediate kind of yirah by looking at its human consequence: "I might not know what the implications of 'fear' are, but when the Torah tells us that we shall rise when the elderly enter and thus fear God, it indicates that we are also required to have deep respect for our teachers as well as our parents and God" (Tan. Beha'alotekha 11). More specifically, the Torah directs us to link yirah with kavod, honor. Leviticus thus commands: "You shall' fear' your mother and father" (19:3). Yehiel b. Yekutiel learns from this: "Just as we must fear and honor the Holy One, Blessed be He, so must we fear and honor our father and mother, as the Decalogue says: 'Honor your father and your mother' [this verse]. God connects anyone who honors and fears his father and mother with fear and honor of the Holy One, Blessed be He. ... Both men and women are obligated to carry out this mitzvah" (Sefer Maalot Hamiddot). This discussion is based on talmudic analysis: "Which aspect of one's service is termed 'fear,' and which 'honor'? Fear: One must not stand or sit in his father's place, or contradict his words, or uphold another in an argument against him. Honor: One must feed his father, give him drink, bathe him, anoint him, clothe him, shod him, and bring him in and take him out (Kid. 31a). Our parents did all this and more for us; shouldn't we at least do the same for them, should they require it? Yet there is more to this duty than simple repayment, for our parents evoke a certain awe in us, a reflection of our respect for them. "Issi b. Judah taught: If your father asks you for some water and you have other mitzvot to do, if they can be done by someone else, let them be done by others so you may occupy yourself with the mitzvah of honoring your parents" (Kid. 32a). When Rabbi Eliezer Hagadol was asked by his students how far they must extend themselves in honoring their parents, he replied: "You can learn a good lesson about this from the conduct of Dama b. Nethina. When his senile mother would strike him in the presence of his friends, he would only say, 'Enough, my mother'" (Deut. R. 1.14). Our special sensibility to parents often increases after they die. When mentioning a deceased parent, people quickly add: "of blessed memory for life in the world to come" (Kid. 31b).

SHOW FULL EXCERPT

EXOD420 It is a positive commandment to respect one's father and mother [this verse]. Now, what is the honor [meant here]? – One is to provide food and drink and clothing, out of the father's money. But if the father has no money and the son does, the son is compelled to sustain his father according to his means. And he is to attend upon them [his parents] in the way that a bondservant attends upon his master. He is to honor him [his father] even after his death. … Honoring one's father takes precedence over honoring his mother, since both he and his mother are obligated to honor his father.

SHOW FULL EXCERPT

EXOD421 It is fitting for a person to acknowledge and to show gratitude to those who have been kind to him. How base and disgusting it is if the recipient of kindness behaves as a stranger toward those who have been good to him. It is disgraceful to behave in an unappreciative manner. Each person must realize that he owes a tremendous debt of gratitude to his parents; not only did they bring him into the world; they also made great efforts for him in order to provide him with all of his needs during his childhood. Accordingly, one is truly obliged to honor one's parents and help them in every way possible. By performing this mitzvah, one becomes accustomed to display gratitude out of a true feeling of appreciation. As a result, one more easily senses a great debt of gratitude to Hashem, for He, too, brought us into the world. Hashem supplies us our needs all of our days. He bestows upon us a physical body that performs all of the functions necessary for life. More than that, Hashem gives us an intelligent and understanding soul. Were it not for the unique human soul that is breathed into our nostrils by Hashem Himself we would be as stupid and uncomprehending as horses, donkeys and the other beasts. If we reflect on this matter we will feel deep feelings of gratitude toward Him and will recognize the importance of dutifully serving Him.

SHOW FULL EXCERPT

EXOD418 I can want to do my duty, either through being acculturated to doing so (that is, I do it out of habit) or because I want something that depends on doing my duty. So, for example, I may avoid having an affair because the prohibition of adultery has been ingrained in me since childhood, even before I knew what the word meant. Alternatively, I may adhere to my duty to remain faithful, despite temptations to the contrary, because I know that doing the right thing will contribute to having a good relationship with my spouse. Whether or not I want to do my duty, though, I feel duties as a burden on me that I must do. In contrast, I usually want to do what is morally good, for such actions, by definition, lead to a desirable state. Moreover, what is desirable may not be desired, but it often is. I may not know what the right thing is to do, for I may be subject to several conflicting duties. In such circumstances, I will be in a quandary that I must resolve to determine which of those duties takes precedence over the rest. Once my duty is clear, though, it feels completely and compellingly obligatory; indeed, all my duties feel that way. That is the nature of duty. The Rabbis noted a similar thing in regard to the Torah's commandments. The Torah promises the reward of long life for fulfilling two commandments: the duty to honor your parents and the duty to shoo away the mother bird before taking her eggs. The former obligation lasts for a person's entire life, while the latter takes but a second. This teaches you, said the Rabbis, that while some commandments may be more difficult than others to fulfill and while they may even carry with them different rewards according to their respective difficulty, they are all equally obligatory. (The reward of long life for honoring parents: Exodus 20:12 and Deuteronomy 5:16. For shooing away the mother bird before taking her eggs: Deuteronomy 22:6-7. The Rabbis’ lessons from this: B. Kiddushin 39b and B. Hullin 142a.)

SHOW FULL EXCERPT

EXOD410 … children must bury their parents and fulfill the mourning rights in their honor, and children are known in Jewish rituals by their first name and then son or daughter of their parents' names. [The rabbinic interpretation of the biblical commandments to honor and respect parents (found in this verse and Leviticus 19:3), appears in B. Kiddushin 31b; see generally 30b-32a]. The child clearly owes these things to his or her social parents, for the Talmud states that children must honor and respect their stepfather and stepmother. [B Ketubbot 103a and S.A. Yoreh De'ah 240:21ff]

SHOW FULL EXCERPT

EXOD414 Abuse of elderly or infirm parents is, unfortunately, a growing phenomenon in our society, especially as people live longer and suffer from the mental and physical disabilities of old age. The Jewish tradition has no room for maltreatment of parents. Parents, of course, are human beings and are, therefore, protected under the provisions of Jewish law prohibiting assault and demanding monetary remedies for it. The Torah, though, makes parents special. It specifically prohibits striking one's father or mother, and it prescribes the death penalty for one who does so. [Exodus 21:15; compare B. Sanhedrin 84b. If the child did not cause a bruise while striking his or her parents, however, the child is liable for the damages of assault rather than for the death penalty; see M. Bava Kamma 8:3]. That leaves little room for doubt about the Torah's view of striking parents. If any more grounding is sought for prohibiting parental abuse, it would come from the Torah's positive commandments to honor and respect one's parents.

SHOW FULL EXCERPT

EXOD416 Classical Jewish texts understand [the] commands to teach us not only about proper relationships to parents but also about the nature of, and our relationship to, God. In almost Freudian terms, God serves, in part, as an extension of our parents. According to the Rabbis, God is one of our parents: "There are three partners in the creation of every human being: the Holy One, blessed be He, the father, and the mother. The father provides the white matter [probably because semen is white], from which are formed the bones, sinews, nails, brain, and the white part of the eye. The mother provides the red matter [probably because of menstrual blood is red], from which are formed the skin, flesh, hair, and pupil of the eye. The Holy One, blessed be He, infuses into each person breath, soul, features, vision, hearing, speech, power of motion, understanding, and intelligence." B. Niddah 31a. Through showing honor and respect for parents, then, one learns, as Philo noted, how to relate to God. Honor and respect are fitting in each case because both God and parents have a role in bringing us into being, in nurturing us physically and psychologically, and in teaching us how to live. Both also have physical power over us- at least, in the case of parents, in our early years--and both influence us psychologically throughout our lives. We must learn these attitudes and the justifications for them intellectually, incorporating awareness of them into our perspective of ourselves and our relations to others; indeed, a portion of this lesson we must apply even to the inanimate world, recognizing our dependence on it and the aptness of our gratitude for it. Beyond our intellects, however, this knowledge must penetrate our being, shaping our personalities. Humility, care and concern for others, piety, and gratitude are the virtues one learns from honor and respect for parents. These lessons are so important that, according to the Rabbis, God puts honor and reverence for parents on a par with the honor and reference due God...

SHOW FULL EXCERPT

EXOD428 Philo, a first-century Jewish thinker, suggested another lesson based on the placement of the fifth commandment within the structure of the ten. The Ten Commandments are commonly divided into two, the first five referring to the relationships between human beings and God, and the second group referring to strictly human relationships. That is because within the first group, the phrase "the Lord your God" is used five times, whereas the second group includes no mention of God. Furthermore, the first group features duties unique to the People Israel, but the second group seems to apply to all people; indeed, the laws of many other peoples of the ancient world specify parallel prohibitions, although it is only in the Torah that they are presented as divine commandments rather than the fruit of human wisdom. Finally, it is striking that the document opens with "the Lord your God" and closes with "your neighbor." This division into two groups of five, then, makes the command to honor parents the last of the Commandments governing our relationship with God, just before those relating to the human community exclusively. Noting this, Philo suggested that the command to honor parents is placed in that position so that it acts as a bridge between God and human beings, for it is our parents who teach us both how to behave in human society and we are to think and act toward God.

SHOW FULL EXCERPT

EXOD435 The Two Basic Filial Duties: Honor and Respect. Two of the Torah’s commandments establish the foundation for the Jewish concept of parent-child relationships--the duties to honor one's parents and to fear or respect them: “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be long upon the land which the Lord your God is giving you. (Exodus 20:12). “You shall fear every man his mother and his father, and you shall keep My Sabbaths: I am the Lord your God (Leviticus 19:3). In typical rabbinic fashion, the Rabbis immediately try to define what each of these commandments entails and how they differ from each other. As a boy, I always thought that the commandment to honor my parents applied to me and my young friends and that it commanded us to obey our parents. That, however, is not how the Rabbis define it. Instead, they determine that it applies to adult children who have positive duties (that is, things they must do) to care for their elderly parents when they cannot care for themselves. As long as the parents have financial resources, the children may use them to carry out this obligation, but once the parents’ money runs out, the children must use their own resources to finance the services required by this commandment. The duty to respect (or fear) one's parents, on the other hand, involves negative duties to refrain from actions that would reduce the parents psychologically and socially to the level of their children. They may therefore not sit in either parent’s chair (assuming that the parent has a special one ) or contradict the parent in public. The latter duty, however, does not mean that the child must always agree with their parent or may not challenge the parent in private; this is rather a matter of preserving the honor of the parent in public forums.

SHOW FULL EXCERPT

EXOD424 Let us now examine the motive of each one of these five kinds of benefactors: Is it purely the good of the beneficiary, or might there be an ulterior motive involved? First, the favors of a parent for his child: clearly, a parent intends to further his own interests through his child. The child is part of the parents, who places great hopes in him. Observe how parents are more sensitive to the needs of their children -- in regard to food, drink, and clothing, and keeping them from harm's way – than to their own needs. They gladly put up with all the trouble and hard work that goes into providing the child with security. This is because parents, by nature, have been endowed with feelings of mercy and compassion for their children. Nevertheless, both the Torah and reason oblige the child to serve, honor, and revere his parents, as it is written: “Honor your father and your mother (Shemos 20:12); Each person must revere his mother and his father (Vayikra 19: 3); Listen, my son, to the instruction of your father, and do not forsake the teaching of your mother (Mishlei 1:8); A son honors his father, and a servant his master (Malachi 1:6). [The child is so obliged] even though his parents [in helping him] are driven by force of nature. The good actually comes from God; the parent is only the agent.

SHOW FULL EXCERPT