LEV629 Here is another story. Rob is a Mussar student who found himself caught in one of the most primitive of situations, one that is so ancient the Torah actually warns us against it directly. "Do not bear a grudge," we are told [this verse]. But how could he not? Eighteen years ago, he and his wife were blessed with the birth of their first child, a son. They planned the circumcision ceremony for the eighth day, as Jewish law dictates, and they happily invited all their friends and family to the celebration. As it happens, Rob's father did not get along with Rob's wife's parents and so, when he called his father to invite him to the ceremony, Rob added, "And, Dad, please make an effort to be civil to Sarah's parents." Well, Rob's father took such offense at this comment that he did not attend the circumcision of his own grandson. Not only that, he stopped speaking to his son, who was only too happy to reciprocate the favor. As a result, father and son did not speak for eighteen years. In that time, Rob's father never met his own grandson. One of the soul-traits Rob worked on in his Mussar practice was forgiveness, which, one might have expected, would bring up the deep grudge he was bearing and provide an opening for healing. But that actually wasn't what happened. When he thought of forgiving, the grievance seemed, on a deep inner level, too unjust. Wasn't his father responsible, after all? While forgiveness didn't actually create illumination for Rob, when the soul-trait of generosity came into focus, a light went on. Confronted by the Mussar understanding of generosity, which entails stretching yourself to give beyond the boundaries of the comfortable or usual, a new course opened up before him. Rob wrote a letter to his father as an act of conscious generosity. And his father wrote back. Rob and his wife had been married for twenty-five years by this time and decided to celebrate with a party. Rob invited his father, who lived in a distant state. His father came and met his grandson for the first time. Mussar had opened the way to healing, inwardly and in a relationship. It had provided Rob with the tools he needed to free himself from the dictates of his primitive, grudge-bearing nature and to entrust the governance of his life to his higher self, the soul, which seeks both sh'lemut (wholeness) and shalom (peace). This was the fruit of his Mussar practice. "Seek for it like silver and search for it like hidden treasure." - Proverbs/Mishlei 2:4

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LEV635 See [[EXOD701]] Exodus 22:24 lend SEFER 126-7

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LEV636 See [[LEV575]] Leviticus 19:17 heart TELVOL1 322

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LEV638 What constitutes revenge? The Talmud offers the following example: A asks B to lend him a sickle, and B refuses. The following day, B asks A to lend him an ax, and A says, "I will not lend it to you, just as you refused to lend me your sickle.' This is revenge [and is forbidden by the Torah]" (Yoma 23a). ... What constitutes bearing a grudge? A asks B for an ax and B refuses. The following day B says to A, "Lend me your garment," and A answers, "Here is it. I am not like you, who would not lend me what I asked for." This, the Talmud concludes, is bearing a grudge (Yoma 23b). While the Bible's and Talmud's standard (not even reminding someone who mistreated you of his mean-spirited behavior) seems beyond the capacity of most human beings, the fact that the Torah requires us not to bear a grudge means that Jewish law deems it within our capacity. ... "Another possible approach would be for A to say, 'Of course you can borrow my ax. I am curious, however, why you wouldn't lend me your sickle yesterday.' Such an approach forces B to confront his own behavior, and might well increase the likelihood of B realizing he was wrong" (Dr. Isaac Herschkopf; private communication with the author).

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LEV633 R. Yochanan said in the name of R. Shimon b. Yochai: any Torah scholar who does not take revenge and does not bear a grudge, as a serpent, is no Torah scholar. And though it is written: "Do not take revenge, and do not bear a grudge," this is in respect to monetary matters (Yoma 23a)

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LEV632 It was taught: Which is revenge and which is bearing a grudge? If one said: Lend me your scythe, and he was refused; and the next day the other said to him: Lend me your spade -- if he replied: I will not lend it to you, just as you did not lend to me--this is revenge; and if he replied: Here it is -- I am not like you, who do not lend -- this is bearing a grudge (Yoma 23a)

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LEV630 If someone revealed your sin, do not say: "Just as he revealed my sin, I, too, will reveal his sin," for it is written [this verse]: "Do not take revenge and do not bear a grudge." And do not vaunt yourself, saying: "Although he revealed my sin, I will not reveal his," for in doing so you already reveal half. This is a great principle in the fear of Heaven. If this sinner, however, is not God-fearing, such as one who cast from himself the yoke of the Kingdom of Heaven, and does not keep himself from one transgression which all the people of this town know to be a transgression, then it is a mitzvah to speak disparagingly of him and to reveal his sins and to demean transgressors in the eyes of men so that they hear and despise him and keep themselves far from transgression, as it is written (Mishlei 29:27): "The abomination of the righteous is a man of wrong," and (ibid. 8:13): "The fear of Hashem is to hate evil."

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LEV625 [The] trait of cruelty in a man's soul incites him to take revenge on his enemies, as it is written (Mishlei 6:34): "And he will not be merciful in the day of revenge"--that is, where there is revenge, there is not mercy but cruelty, and the Torah has instructed [this verse]: "Do not take revenge and do not bear a grudge." We have been exhorted not even to bear a grudge against our neighbor in our hearts, how much more so not to actively strike him. Even if he falls without our causing him to do so, we are forbidding to rejoice, as it is written (Mishlei 24:17): "When your foe falls, do not rejoice; and when he stumbles, let not your heart be glad." He who takes revenge and bears grudges does not overlook injury and does not forgive his friends who offend him, and this bears in its trail contention and hatred--and you already know how good and pleasant is the trait of peace.

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LEV628 And one must take great care not to remember the evil that his friend has done against him. About this it is written [this verse]: "And do not bear a grudge," but one should cause all hatred to be forgotten from his heart. If he, however, has done evil to his friend, he should remember it, in order to amend immediately what he has done to him. And if he has heard idle talk, he should not remember it. He should be as a sieve, that retains the fine meal and emits the flour, but not as a strainer, that retains the lees and emits the wine.

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LEV639 It is a negative commandment to harbor no hatred in our heart toward our fellow-man as Scripture says, nor shall you bear any grudge [this verse]. Bearing a grudge means that one harbors hate in his heart: for instance, if he tells him, "Here I am lending it to you; I am not paying you back as you acted toward me, refusing to lend me something." This is bearing a grudge, where he nurses hate in his heart. Instead, he has to lend it to him wholeheartedly; there should be no ill will whatever in his heart, but he should rather erase the matter from his heart, and not retain it or remember it at all. These two qualities are extremely bad. For all the matters and concerns of this world are vapid nonsense and triviality, and it is not worth taking revenge or bearing a grudge about them.

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