GEN931 It is more important to invite guests who truly need your hospitality than to invite those who do not.  Rabbi Yudan explained that Avraham’s guests did not rally require refreshment since they were angels.  They merely appeared to be eating and drinking in order to please Avraham.   As a result of Avraham’s act of kindness, the Almighty rewarded his descendants when they were in the Sinai desert.   They received the manna, a well of water sprung up for them, they were provided with quails, they were encircled by clouds of glory, and a pillar of cloud journeyed before them.   Rabbi Shimon, in the name of Rabbi Eliezer, said that the aforementioned act of kindness and subsequent reward constitute a kal vechomer (an interference from minor to major): “Avraham was greatly rewarded for showing kindness to those who did not need kindness.   All the more so, the Almighty rewards someone who shows kindness to those who need it.”  Leviticus 34:8  The Chofetz Chayim writes that although the mitzvah of having guests applies even when the guest is wealthy and not in dire need of your favors, it is a greater mitzvah to have guests who arte poor. He adds that people are happy to entertain wealthy guests and will honor them as much a possible.   But, unfortunately, they are much less anxious – sometimes even reluctant – to have truly needy people as guests. Ahavas Chesed, part 3, ch. 1.  PLYN 68

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GEN932 Once R. Eliezer, R. Yehoshua, and R. Tzadok were seated at the feast of R. Gamliel’s son, and R. Gamliel stood and gave them to drink.   At this, R. Eliezer said to R. Yehoshua: “What is this, Yehoshua?   We are sitting and R. Gamliel b’Rabbi [a title of distinction] is standing over us and giving us to drink!” To this, R. Yehoshua replied: “We find one greater than he who served thus.   Abraham was the greatest man of his generation, and yet it is written of him: ‘And he stood over them.’ Now you may say that they appeared to him as ministering angels, yet the truth is that they appeared to him only as Arabs – and we – R. Gamliel b’Rabbi should not stand over us and give us to drink?” Kiddushin 32b TEMIMAH-GEN 82

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GEN934 All of us need to exercise special control over our libidos.   The difficulties rise up when people take it upon themselves to create appropriate methods to guard against untoward sexual practices. True, our tradition has long taught that some modesty must be legislated. But the pre-modern societies in general and some people today still self-righteously assume that women’s immodesty somehow causes men’s wanton and even violent sexual acts. The victim thus becomes responsible for the aggressor’s actions. Blaming the victim violates both individual male and female dignity. If generally condoned, it shows the moral bankruptcy of the greater society as well. Yet the Talmud was a product of its times, echoing the other male-dominated cultures of the Middle East. So its teachings prescribed the segregation of women as the fundamental antidote for womanly provocation. Its standard biblical justification was the verse, “The chief glory of the King’s daughter is that she remains deep within the palace” Psalm 45:14 – 15. Thus Sarah, the first matriarch, serves as a model for all women to follow: “When visiting angels asked Abraham, ‘Where is Sarah your wife?’ he answered, ‘Behold, she is in the tent.’ [this verse]. This is to inform us that Sarah was modest” Bava Metzia 87a A text from the Jerusalem Talmud at least gives those females who practiced seclusion a reward—a prominent spouse and male children [sic]: “A woman who remains at home merits marrying a high priest and being the mother of a line of high priests” Yerusalmi Yoma 4:2 Several hundred years later, the German sage Eliezer b. Samuel of Mainz counsels: “My daughters ought always to be at home, and should not even stand at the door so as to watch whatever passes by” Hebrew Ethical Wills. Yehiel b. Yekutiel also follows this Talmudic theme when he blames physically malformed children on the fact that their mother “weaves in the marketplace, speaking and gazing at all men. Weaving in a public place exposes her arms; because of her misdeeds, one of her children is lame, another blind, another a fool and evil doer” Sefer Maalot Hamiddot. True, Maimonides does grudgingly say about a man’s wife: “She is not in prison where she cannot come and go…” B hiut then he glaringly affirms his patriarchal mentality by stating: “… It is unseemly for a woman to be constantly in the streets. Her husband should not let her go out except once or twice a month, as the need may arise” Mishneh Torah, Hilchot Ishut, 13:11. Even the realm of Jewish folk literature concedes that the appropriate place for women is a private one: “The good woman knows that her kingdom is behind the house door” (Ladino proverb). BOROJMV 156-7

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GEN935 This is to show us the modesty of our mother Sarah.   Baba Betzia 87a  TEMIMAH-GEN 83

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GEN937 Look for opportunities to endear a wife to her husband and a husband to his wife.   Rashi cites the Talmud Baba Metzia 87a which states that the angels knew that due to modesty Sara remained in her tent.  Nevertheless, they asked Avraham her whereabouts in order to give him the satisfaction of recalling his wife’s modesty, thereby further endearing her to him.   Rabbi Chayim Shmuelevitz commented that Avraham and Sara were both very old at the time and had been married for many ears.  Nevertheless, the angels felt it appropriate to point out Sara’s good qualities to her husband.  An important lesson about married couples can be learned from this.   Regardless of a couple’s age and the lengthy of time they have been married, it is always worthwhile to endear one to the other and to careful not to say anything derogatory about a husband to a wife or vice versa.  PLYN 72

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GEN936 It was taught in the name of R. Yossi: “Why are there dots above the aleph, yod, vav in eilav? The Torah is hereby teaching us proper conduct – that one should inquire as to the well-being of his host” [aleph-yod-vav = “ayo” (“Where is he [Abraham]?” – a question the angels asked Sarah, just as they asked Abraham where Sarah was)] Baba Betzia 86a   TEMIMAH-GEN 83

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GEN938 R. Yehudah said in the name of Rav: “The ministering angels knew that our mother Sarah was in the tent.  Why, then, did they ask?  To endear her to her husband” [knowing he would reply that she was in the tent, in keeping with her modesty.] R. Yossi b. R. Chanina said: “To send her the cup of blessing” [It is customary to recite Grace after Meals over a cup of wine, which is then distributed among those present.] [bracketed explanation is from Sefaria.org]  Baba Betzia 86a  TEMIMAH-GEN 83

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GEN939 The Talmud Baba Metzia 87a states that the Torah teaches us Derech Eretz [proper conduct] from [this verse.] – even a male guest should inquire after the welfare of his host’s wife.   One should not address the host’s wife directly, but instead should address his question to the host.  Some of the Rishonim [11th-15th century Talmud commentators, prior to Shulchan Aruch], however, contest this law, claiming that it is prohibited to inquire about the welfare of the host’s wife.   According to these opinions, [this verse] teaches us that a guest should ask only about the whereabouts of his host’s wife.   However, the halachah follows the opinions that require a guest to inquire about the welfare of the host’s wife Even Haezer 21:6. (Note that the commentators make a distinction between asking about her wife’s welfare and sending regards to the wife, which is prohibited).   WAGS 168-9

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GEN940 The degree of importance that the Torah attaches to Derech Eretz [proper conduct] is demonstrated by the fact that, in some circumstances, it endorses the use of bending the truth in order to maintain peaceful relations between people.  This is derived from the dialogue between the Almighty and Avraham Avinu.   When Sarah heard the angel proclaim that she would be blessed with a child, she laughed [this verse].   When Hashem reported Sarah’s reaction to Avraham, however, He modified her words, and said, “Why did Sarah laugh, saying, ‘Shall I, who am old, indeed bear a child?”  (ibid. 13).   Rashi explains that Hashem omitted Sarah’s statement, “…my lord being old also,” in order to prevent dispute between husband and wife.  The Talmud Ketubot 17a derives from this verse that it is permitted to congratulate a person for making a wise purchase even if the purchase was in truth unwise; likewise it is permitted to say that an ugly bride is beautiful.   In general, any situation that, if left unchecked, would result in the severance of friendly relations warrants bending the truth.   Yosef’s brothers said to him after their father’s death, “… Your father commanded before his death saying, “…Please pardon your brothers’ sin…’” Genesis 50:17.   Rashi explains that Yaakov never made such a command; he did not suspect that Yosef would harm his brothers.   In fact, the brothers fabricated this account in order to ensure their own safety.  This teaches that it is even permitted for one of the contending parties to bend the truth if it will help restore harmony.   The Talmud Yevamot 65b states that it is not only permitted to bend the truth for the sake of Derech Eretz, but it is even a mitzvah to do so.   WAGS 112-3

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GEN942 As a sales tactic, making the customer feel food about himself is subject to a restriction.  It enjoys validity only when the compliment or the appreciation the salesperson exudes is sincere.  Should the sentiment expressed amount to nothing more than false praise (hanuppah), the conduct is prohibited.   The condemnation of flattery by Maimonides (Egypt, 1135-1204) is instructive here: “It is forbidden to accustom oneself to smooth speech and flatteries. One must not say one thing and mean another. Inward and outward self should correspond; only what we have in mind, should we utter with the mouth.” [Yad Hazakah [Mishneh Torah], De’ot 2:6] It should not be concluded, however, that engaging in false praise is absolutely forbidden as a sales tactic.  The halakhic prohibition of falsehood is not absolute, and under certain conditions it is suspended.  Examining these exceptions to the prohibition against falsehood, however, will demonstrate that their application to the area of sales practice is very limited.   … darkhei shalom (the ways of peace) does not suspend the prohibition against falsehood unless its purpose is to end conflict or avert the eruption of discord.   If the conduct is merely intended to enhance the quality of human relations, the prohibition against falsehood is not suspected. … Within the framework of the darkhei shalom rationale, engaging in false praise should be legitimate only when the alternative of truth-telling does not better promote peace of mind [See, e.g. Genesis 50:16-17] for the vendee.   This would be the case, for instance, when the vendee does not recall where he bought the articles.   Since he has no recourse to undo or otherwise modify the transaction he entered into telling the truth serves no useful purpose; it only makes the vendee feel foolish.  False praise, on the other hand, helps the vendee make the best of his situation.   Suppose, however, that the vendee does recall where the purchase was made and is a victim of an overcharge or the article has a defect.  Here, false praise is decidedly against the interests of the vendee.   Instead, he should be apprised of his mistake.   CASE 145-6

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