LEV489 Many ethical principles found in biblical and talmudic texts should apply in all sorts of modern context, including dating. Whether you view the text as Divine or divinely inspired, or just want to be more considerate of others, imagining everyone as having been created b’tzelem Elohim-- in the image of God, and therefore possessing a bit of the divine that renders us all equally worthy--can inspire greater respect toward the people with whom we share the planet. This equality keeps us grounded to our common bond as humans, even as it reminds us to behave in a more divine way. The people in our case may not lack a commitment to commitment, but they may be lacking the commitment to conversation. While rocking a perfectly good boat is an understandable fear, if the person you are looking at is a potential partner for life, working out how to have a discussion about something difficult is a vital skill. Are you allowed to go see your ex who is going through a bad time and keep that from your partner? Does it hurt him or her more to know about it, or to not know about it? Is phone sex or cybersex cheating? Does it matter if you know who you are having sexual relations with or if it's all anonymous? If civilizations form around a shared set of values and behavioral expectations, how do you identify the ethical geography of your relationship? How can you expect to know the answers to any of these questions unless they are specifically discussed? At bare minimum, the Torah seems to tell us, there is the injunction not to stand idly by the blood of your neighbor (Leviticus 19:16). While this can certainly be read as a commandment against endangering your partner, a figurative reading also provides some contemporary resonance. According to texts, blood doesn't just mean literal blood spilling forth from a wounded body, but also the blood that rushes to our faces when we become embarrassed. The word adom, meaning “red” in Hebrew, contains the word dam, which means “blood.” When we are literally or emotionally wounded, we redden. Hence our lesson is to not be the inflictors of wounds that cause such reddening, either through literal or emotional methods. People who have not defined the borders of their relationships should not be surprised when their significant others end up defining them differently. They may unintentionally end up wounding each other. Hillel told us to do under others as you would have them doing to you (Babylonian Talmud, Shabbat 31a). Would you like to be treated the way you are treating others when it comes to dating and relationships? If your answer is no, a self-assessment may be in order. Then there is the much loved phrase, “kol yisrael arevim zeh lazeh,” or “all the people of Israel are responsible for each other” (Babylonian Talmud, Shavuot 39a). This kind of nationalistic appeal takes humanity from the general to the particular, in case that kind of appeal strikes a greater residence with the modern Jewish dater. “You shall not … place a stumbling block before the blind,” the Torah tells us (Leviticus 19:14). There is always a temptation to be literal with biblical text, but taking a more figurative approach also indicts those who deceive others: convince your fellow that things are other than they seem to be and you have caused both their blindness and their fall. A policy of honest communication between partners about the nature and depth of their relationship keeps the playing field level. Both partners go from blind to sighted, and no unfortunate unforeseen obstacles lie in their paths. I have always believed that sexual ethics should be the same for all human beings, whether they are involved in casual sex, a friends with benefits situation, or committed partnerships of any sort with anyone of any gender, and that for all of these groups, communication about the nature of the relationship should take place in advance of sexual union. But anecdotally, evidence seems to point to the fact that people feel awkward talking about their relationships, especially in a moment when passions are running high and logical honesty is... not so much. Most people agree that it's not the act of consummation that creates a committed relationship. If there has been no conversation to define a dyad, it cannot be considered exclusive. (By Esther D. Kustanowitz)
SHOW FULL EXCERPT