NUM228 This verse forbids us to maintain disputes. (Sanhedrin 110a; Mishnah Brurah 156:40. 1) We must keep a distance from disputes. Beside the inherent severity of this sin, it is the source of many other serious transgressions: unwanted hatred, loshon hora, r'chilus, anger, insults, humiliating words, revenge, grudges, curses, and chilul Hashem (desecration of God's name). (Shmiras Haloshon 1:15). Quarreling can become a passion. No matter what the topic may be, a quarrelsome person enjoys making retorts. He likes to be right always, and to have the last word. He quarrels for the sake of quarreling. Be aware of such a tendency. (Rabbi Samson Raphael Hirsch in From the Wisdom of Mishle, pp. 188-9). 2) If you find yourself in the midst of a dispute, you should withdraw immediately. Some people might feel embarrassed to back down in the middle of an argument. They should recall these words of our sages (Eiduyos 5:6): "It is better for a person to be considered a fool throughout his entire life by man, then to be considered wicked for one moment in the eyes of God." (Shmiras Haloshon 1:15). 3) One should not even take part in a feud in which one's parents are involved. Because Korach's sons refused to side with their father in his dispute against Moshe, they were saved from being punished along with their father. (ibid.). 4) It is a very important mitzvah to stop a feud. Do not be discouraged even if you tried to do so and your efforts have been fruitless. There is always the possibility that your next attempt will be successful. (ibid.). 5) If two people quarreled and afterward made peace, neither should later say to the other: "The reason I behaved as I did is because you did this to me." Even if the person saying this does not intend to resume the quarrel, such a remark is apt to rekindle the dispute, since the other person will probably retort, "No, it was your fault." (Orchos Tzadikim, ch. 21). 6) If a person speaks loshon hora and this causes the continuation of a quarrel, he violates this prohibition. (Chofetz Chayim, Introduction, Prohibition 12). 7) If someone insults a man or fails to honor him properly, the man should not relate this to his wife when he comes home (Avos D'Reb Noson 7:3). Relating such an incident would be r'chilus and will most likely cause a dispute. (Chofetz Chaim). 8) A person should train his children at a very young age to avoid quarrels. Young children have a tendency to grow angry and fight over trivial matters, and if a parent will not correct this fault, it can easily become ingrained. (Maaneh Rach, pp. 69-70). 9) If two members of the family have become estranged by insults or other grievances, their reconciliation is often very difficult to achieve. Mishle (18:19) compares it to "entry into a fortified city," and the discord between them is likened to the bolts of the castle, which are hard to move. (From the Wisdom of Mishle, p. 190). 10) Very often disputes begin over matters that are entirely irrelevant and insignificant. If you find yourself arguing with someone, ask yourself (and the other person), "Does it really make a difference?" 11) Although we should try to avoid disputes in personal matters, if an individual or a group tries to institute practices that are against the Torah, we are required to try to prevent them. (Chofetz Chayim in Biur Halacha to Orach Chayim 1). 12) An argument over a halachic matter or Torah thought is proper, and the participants will ultimately feel love for one another (Kidushin 30b). Rabbi Yonoson Eybescheutz gives this prerequisite for a dispute to be termed l'shaim shomayim (with the purest intentions) and thus proper: "Except for their point of contention the disputants love one another. This was the case with Hillel and Shamai; they were involved in halachic disputes, but were close friends nevertheless (see Yevemos 13b)." (Yaaros Dvash)
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