GEN1405 … realism… demands that we occasionally kowtow to important people. Certainly in a day when rulers held the power of life and death over their subjects, flattery was regarded as permissible, even reasonable. Consider the classic case recounted in the Mishnah. Agrippa, whom the Romans appointed king of Judea in the first century C.E., was the grandson of Herod the Idumean (a nation forcibly converted to Judaism) and his Jewish wife, Marianme.  Once during Sukkot, Agrippa read from the Torah to the people assembled in the Temple courtyard. “When he reached the words: ‘As King, you must appoint one of your Jewish kin,’ Agrippa’s eyes overflowed with tears. The people then shouted to him, “Fear not, Agrippa, you are our brother, you are our brother.’ But because of this flattery, certain Talmudic sages said, Jerusalem was later destroyed” Sotah 41a.  The Bible recounts another story about accepting flattery: the patriarch Jacob’s return to Canaan. After working for his father-in-law Laban for more than 20 years, Jacob finally is coming home. As he comes near to where he was raised, his scouts tell him that his brother Esau approaches with a retinue of 400 men. Jacob has not seen Esau since robbing him of his proper blessing.   He so fears this reunion that he worries for his children’s lives, taking elaborate measures to safeguard them. Yet when the brothers finally meet, Jacob unblushingly tells Esau, “To see your face is like seeing the face of God” [Genesis 32:8 – 9, this verse] in other words, if we perceive a situation to be life-threatening, then flattery—like almost everything else prohibited by Jewish law—is momentarily permitted. Over the centuries, various halakhists have posed more scenarios that permit flattery, including threats to one’s body or one’s assets. At the same time, they have suggested strategies to avoid lying: For instance, if you perceive a wrongdoing but decide not to protest, then try to say nothing at all. Or if you must speak up, limit yourself to the truth, even if that involves some exaggeration. Furthermore, if it is customary in your society to honor powerful people, follow the usual rights of homage, such as inquiring solicitously about their well-being. One authority go so far as to say that necessary flattery is permitted in this world, since the Bible states only that is eliminated in the world to come Entziklopediyah Talmudit, s.v. “Hanufah.”   Thus with regard to flattery, even Jewish law doesn’t try to give us ironclad, inflexible rules. The rabbis who formed our legal tradition knew that some areas must be left to personal discretion. Today, our congregational rabbi is available to give us counsel. So, too, is a literature of guidance created by our musarists. And we can also look to oral folk wisdom, like the Ladino adage that warns us: “Everyone’s friend is no one’s friend.” BOROJMV 207-8