GEN1552 It is appropriate that the repentant right the wrong before he confesses his sins, so that his confession will find favor [before Hashem].   David [HaMelech], a”h, at the time of his repentance did just this before confessing, as the pasuk says Psalms 51:6, “To You alone I have sinned, and that which is evil in Your eyes have I done, so that You will be charitable when You speak, virtuous in Your judgment.”   The meaning of this is a follows: [In relation] to You alone I am regarded as a sinner, and I need no forgiveness other than Yours.   If I have sinned to another, I have already asked forgiveness and have appeased him.   In a similar vein [this verse], “I shall have sinned to my father for all time” – regarding this sin I will be considered by my father a sinner for all time, because he will not forgive me for it.   GATES 77

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GEN1553 “How is one proven to be a true penitent?” Rabbi Judah asked, and answered: “If the opportunity to commit the same sin presents itself, on two occasions and the sinner does not yield to it” Yoma 86b.   Maimonides expands on this Talmudic teaching: “What constitutes complete repentance? When one is confronted by the identical situation in which he previously sinned and it is within his power to commit the sin again, and he nevertheless does not succumb because he wishes to repent, and not because he is afraid or physically too weak [to repeat the sin].   For example, if he had relations with a woman forbidden to him and after some time, he is alone with her, still in the throes of his passion [literally, ‘in love’] for her, and his virility is unabated, and they are in the same place where they previously sinned; if he [or she] abstains and does not sin, this is a true penitent” Laws of Repentance 2:1. … The fact that Judah, who years earlier had sold his brother into slavery, now offers himself as a substitute for his younger brother is proof to Joseph that Judah’s – and by implication his other brothers’ – repentance is complete.   TELVOL 1:168

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GEN1554 See [[GEN1493]] Genesis 38:26 more SACKS 57-8

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GEN1557 Shortly before R. Eliezar b. Azariah died, his disciples went in to visit him.   Cf. Berachot 28b (Sonc. Ed. P. 173. They sat in front of him and said, “Master, teach us the ways of life.” [So GRA. V has “only one subject.”] He said to them, “My sons, what can I teach you? Go and let each of you be solicitous for the honor of his colleague; and when you stand up go pray, know before Whom you stand and pray; for on that account you will [be worthy to] enter into the life of the World to Come.”   DERECH 544

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GEN1556 Even if you are overcome with emotion, you must be careful not to cause anyone embarrassment.   … Yosef’s self-control was amazing.   He was overcome with emotion and unable to withhold his identity from his brothers any longer.   Nevertheless, he did not become confused or allow emotions to overcome his reason.  Yosef did not reveal his identity until he had dismissed all the Egyptians from the room in order that his brothers should not be shamed by a recounting of their sin in the presence of others (Rabbi Yehuda Leib Chasman in Ohr Yohail, vol. 2, Vayigash). Very often when people are emotionally excited, they become so confused that they entirely forget about the feelings of others and are apt to embarrass them.  We must be on our guard not to shame anyone, no matter what the circumstances.   PLYN 120

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GEN1555 The Ethics of the Fathers 2:10 teaches that the Golden Rule applies to the realm of dignity and honor.  “Your friend’s dignity should be as precious to you as your own.” … Just as we hate for ourselves and those dear to us be humiliated, so must we take care not to humiliate others.  TELVOL 1:278

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GEN1558 While significant to the moral shaping of groups, boshet – a sensitivity to the judgment of worthy others—has long been a defining quality of the Jewish self. Yehiel b. Yekutiel, the 13th century Roman ethicist, characterizes boshet’s essence as an ability to conduct ourselves in an unpretentious, introspective manner Sefer Malot Hamiddot. It reflects our continued concern with how others view our behavior. Since we are determined to avoid being shamed, we find that a major consequence of boshet involves treating others with respect, even if we disagree with them on crucial issues. It teaches us that any public shaming of our neighbor is a horrendous evil. To guide us in this regard, the rabbis point to the Torah’s   stories about Tamar and Joseph in which both characters refuse to put others to shame. Condemned to death for apparent harlotry, Tamar will not identify her father-in-law Judah as the man who made her pregnant. This is the rabbinic interpretation of Tamar’s reasoning: “If he confesses, well and good, but if not, I would rather die than put him to shame by publicly acknowledging him as the father of my unborn child.” Judah soon admits to Tamar’s innocence, declaring: “She is more righteous than I”—a stunning praise of her character Genesis 38: 25 – 26. At the end of the story of Joseph and his brothers, we read that when Joseph finally has them in his power, he tells his servants: “All of you leave my presence” [this verse]. Only then does Joseph reveal his identity. True, he had just accused the brothers of both robbery and espionage. But these accusations pale when compared to the public shame Joseph would have caused his siblings if he publicly revealed that they once sold him into slavery. Joseph risks their fright and possible retaliation rather than publicly humiliating them. Tanhuma Vayiggash 5. Yet in their idealism, the rabbis demanded that we balance these examples of idealized action with the Torah’s commitment to reprove our neighbor who has behaved unacceptably. It would be shameless of us, and imply that we do not really care about certain values, were we to say nothing and let the other person continue acting badly. Since giving and hearing criticism are not easy for either party, the author of Orhot Tzaddikim sensitively suggests that we reprove our friend in private, very gently. And should these best-intended remarks evoke shame, and our friend responds defensively by verbally attacking us, we should not answer back in kind. People being what they are, reproof has always been one of the hardest disciplines to accept. Even today, when we are supposed to be open to people’s “different strokes,” relationships require very delicate maneuvering, for shame is a supremely powerful force.   BOROJMV 190-1

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GEN1559 See [[GEN1401]] Genesis 33:4 kissed MEIR 211-2

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GEN1560 If you ask for forgiveness, and the person just tells you that it is all right, or it will be okay, or that it was all for the good, this is not the same thing as telling you that he forgives you. He must state explicitly that he forgives you.  Yosef told his brothers that they should not be distressed and should not reproach themselves for having sold him down to Egypt, because Hashem had merely sent him there ahead of them to serve as a provided. [this verse]. Later, Yosef also comforted them and spoke to their hearts. Genesis 50:21 Even so, this was not considered forgiveness and Yosef really never forgave them. [That was the reason for the tragedy of the Asarah Harugei Malchus (the death of the ten great Sages who were martyred and brutally murdered by the Romans, about 1,500 years later.) See Rabbeinu Bachyei Bereshis 44:17 and 50:21.]   Probably, he was not obliged to forgive them since they had treated him so severely that is was impossible to ever repair the damage they caused. Although he told them the reasons why they should not be concerned, this was not equivalent to actually saying that he forgave them, which he never did. [Some say that Yosef’s brothers never really regretted what they did, and continued to believe that what they did was correct. Accordingly, Yosef would definitely not have had to forgive them. If that is the case, and Yosef was unaware of the fact that they had never really repented even if his words were the equivalent of forgiving them they would not have been forgiven because the forgiveness was based on a misconception.] CASTLE 835

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GEN1561 It is meritorious for a person who was wronged to appease the wrongdoer.   … Rabbi Yeruchom Levovitz commented that Yosef’s brothers should really have tried to appease Yosef and beg his forgiveness for having sold him.  What what do we see in this verse?  Yosef pleads to his brothers that they should not be grieved or disturbed.   We must realize that just as there is a Shulchan Aruch (set of laws) for the perpetrator of the wrong, so too there is a Shulchan Aruch for the victim of the wrong.   All too often, if someone is wronged, he assumes that he has permission to take revenge on the wrongdoer, even when at the time of the offense the wrongdoer mistakenly thought that he had the right to behave as he did.  Yosef, however, took the initiative to appease his brothers. (Daas Torah, vol. 1, p. 257).  PLYN 121

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