GEN1441 We should be particularly careful not to speak ill of family member.   [This verse] is the first of several details the Torah provides about Joseph’s relationship with is brothers, who soon came to hate him.   The most obvious lesson is that parents should discourage their children from informing on each other. It is good for a child to report if he or she is being bullied or otherwise taken advantage of.   But the verse implies that Joseph was steadily bringing back negative reports about his brothers’ actions, something that should not be done unless the misbehavior is extreme.   … Because of thoughtless remarks, family members become categorized as “the selfish one,” “the fool,” the bad-tempered one,” or “the incompetent.”  … Lashon hara is often responsible for the common phenomenon of close relatives who are not on speaking terms.  In many instances, these family feuds start with hurtful comments one relative makes about another.  Almost invariably, the objects of the complaints eventually hear about the gossip, and from that point on the antagonism escalates.   TELVOL1:336

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GEN1443 R. Chama b. Guria sad in the name of Rav: “One should never show favoritism to one son above the other, for because of the additional expenditure of the weight of two coins of fine wool for the many-colored coat that Jacob made for Joseph, beyond what he spent for his other sons, his brothers envied him, and the end result was that our forefathers went down to Egypt” Shabbat 10b TEMIMAH-GEN 154

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GEN1444 Parents must be careful not to favor one child over the other.   The Talmud comments on [this verse] that parents must never favor one child over anther.   Because of the many-colored coat which Yaakov gave to Yosef and not to any of this other sons, Yosef’s brothers became jealous.   The eventual outcome as that our forefathers went down to Egypt and were enslaved. (Shabbat 10b, see Tosfos).   Parents must always be on the alert that their actions or words should not create jealousy.  The consequences of jealousy among brothers and sisters can be tragic, and we must be careful to avoid doing anything that will breed it.   Statements such as, “Why don’t you study with the diligence of your brother?” or “Why aren’t you as well-behaved as your sister?” are bound to cause ill feelings.  Some parents might think that their children love and respect one another to such an extent that they are incapable of feeling jealously towards each other.   However, just because a child does not overtly show envy, does not mean that envy is not present.   PLYN 110

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GEN1445 To be happy, children of one family must not be treated differently from one another. The story of what happened to Joseph serves as a warning. Because his father made for him “a coat of many colours”, [this verse], was he sold into Egypt and Israel made to serve bondage to the cruel Pharaohs. Shabbat 10b A father should not terrorize his child; and lest the child be taught to deceive, the parent is urged to keep all the promises he makes at home. Gittin 6b What is said by the parents in the presence of children should be carefully weighted and guarded, for children repeat in the street what they have heard in the home. Gittin 56b LEHRMAN 246

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GEN1446 See [[GEN1222]] Genesis 26:14 envied BLOCH 111

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GEN1447 Even on purely prudential grounds, a parent should act the same way toward all his children.  Thus, if a parent truly does love one child more than the others, he does the child great harm by making that known and causing the child’s siblings to envy him or her.  One suspects that, during Joseph’s days as a slave and prisoner in Egypt, he did not remember Jacob’s favoritism with gratitude.   Indeed, that might be the explanation for an action (or rather non-action) of Joseph’s that is otherwise inexplicable. When he was elevated to a high position in Egypt, second only to Pharaoh, he made no effort to contact his father and inform him that he was alive and well. Was he perhaps feeling some anger toward his father, whose behavior had helped provoke his brother’s animosity, and bring about their terrible crime of selling him into slavery in Egypt? … The story of Joseph shows that favoritism can be just as cruel to the favored child as it is to the others.   TELVOL 1:310

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GEN1450 Rashi comments that although they were wrong in hating him, at least this hatred was out in the open and they were not hypocritical by keeping hate in their hearts while outwardly feigning friendliness. That would be far worse than openly showing one’s hatred. Like the Talmud, the Midrash Yalkut Shimoni, Leviticus 19,613 also states that only hatred in one’s heart (privately), and not expressed hate, is forbidden by the Torah.   Maimonides specifically says that if a person informs someone that he hates him or her, he or she has not violated the prohibition of hatred (although other sins may have been committed). [See also [[GEN1117]], 21:25 reproached AMJV 129]… On the other hand, Nachmanides disagrees with this approach. He makes no distinction between hatred that is kept in one’s heart and hatred that is expressed openly.  Nachmanides commentary on Leviticus 19:17-18 129.

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GEN1448 Although the mitzvah of “Love your friend as yourself” Leviticus 19:18 obligated one to be tolerant of other people’s customs, and Mussar works extol the importance of overcoming one’s character faults, one should not voluntarily place himself in a difficult situation.  This applies to testing one’s tolerance of others in the same way as it applies to testing one’s resolve against performing idolatry or succumbing to other forms of temptation.  Futhermore, by living in the vicinity of people who act differently, one is in constant danger of transgressing the commandment, “Do not harbor hatred for your brother in your heart.” Leviticus 19:17.   … [One needs] to have foresight and avoid situations that will necessitate relying on one’s resolve and good intentions to overcome difficulties.   Indeed, one must distance himself from such situations at all costs.   The idea that separation from people who act according to a different code of behavior is commendable is implied in Rashi’s interpretation of [this verse].  “From the guilt of Joseph’s brothers we learn of their praiseworthy traits: They were incapable of speaking in one way and feeling opposite emotions in their hearts.”   … By minimizing close contact with people who have different customs and who act according to a different code of behavior, one may avoid strained relationships.   WAGS 59-60

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GEN1449 Rambam [Maimonides] writes, “When a man commits a sin against another, the victim should not hate the sinner in his heart and keep silent, as the verse says concerning evildoers, ‘And Avshalom did not speak to Amnon a single word, neither good nor bad, for Avshalom hated Amnon’ Samuel 1 13:22.   Instead, it is a mitzvah to notify him of his sin and tell him, “Why did you do such and such to me, and why did you sin by committing this transgression?’ As the verse [Leviticus 19:17] says, “Surely rebuke your fellow man” Rambam, Laws of De’os 6:6.   … “Anger is better than laughter” Eccelesiastes 7:3.   Metzudos Dovid explains the meaning of this verse: “If a person commits a sin against another and the latter expresses his anger, this is preferable to his feigning friendliness. Expressing one’s anger has the effect of quelling that anger; the heart will become tranquil and the wronged party will not look for revenge. Conversely, if one feigns impartiality without forgiving, the feelings of anger will remain buried in his heart – when the opportunity arises, he will not have mercy and will take revenge.” WAGS 61-62

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GEN1451 … the Rambam observes that it is prohibited for a Jew to be outwardly friendly towards another individual while he inwardly harbors resentment and animosity towards him. “It is prohibited for an individual to conduct himself with words of falseness and enticement, nor shall he be hypocritical, but rather he should appear outwardly as he is within [i.e. his outward relationship towards people should reflect his true inner attitude], and that which he expresses with his lips should be the same as that which he feels within his heart.” Rambam, Mishneh Torah, hilchos De’os 2:6.   The Chafetz Chaim deals with this matter at great length in his Kuntres Sfas Tamim.   He cites the words of Chazal, [our Sages, may their memories be for a blessing – AJL] who include the hypocrites among “three who are despised by the Almighty.” Talmud, Pesachim 113b.   And he cites also the words of Jeremiah, who decries, in no uncertain terms, the individual who Jeremiah 9:7, speaks peaceably to his neighbor with his mouth, but in his heart he lies in wait. The Torah informs us that the brothers of Yosef were unable to speak peaceably with him. [this verse] Whereupon, Rashi observes, “From their fault we learn their praise, for they did not speak hypocritically – one way with their mouth, and another with the earth.” FENDEL 118-9

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