GEN939 The Talmud Baba Metzia 87a states that the Torah teaches us Derech Eretz [proper conduct] from [this verse.] – even a male guest should inquire after the welfare of his host’s wife.   One should not address the host’s wife directly, but instead should address his question to the host.  Some of the Rishonim [11th-15th century Talmud commentators, prior to Shulchan Aruch], however, contest this law, claiming that it is prohibited to inquire about the welfare of the host’s wife.   According to these opinions, [this verse] teaches us that a guest should ask only about the whereabouts of his host’s wife.   However, the halachah follows the opinions that require a guest to inquire about the welfare of the host’s wife Even Haezer 21:6. (Note that the commentators make a distinction between asking about her wife’s welfare and sending regards to the wife, which is prohibited).   WAGS 168-9

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GEN940 The degree of importance that the Torah attaches to Derech Eretz [proper conduct] is demonstrated by the fact that, in some circumstances, it endorses the use of bending the truth in order to maintain peaceful relations between people.  This is derived from the dialogue between the Almighty and Avraham Avinu.   When Sarah heard the angel proclaim that she would be blessed with a child, she laughed [this verse].   When Hashem reported Sarah’s reaction to Avraham, however, He modified her words, and said, “Why did Sarah laugh, saying, ‘Shall I, who am old, indeed bear a child?”  (ibid. 13).   Rashi explains that Hashem omitted Sarah’s statement, “…my lord being old also,” in order to prevent dispute between husband and wife.  The Talmud Ketubot 17a derives from this verse that it is permitted to congratulate a person for making a wise purchase even if the purchase was in truth unwise; likewise it is permitted to say that an ugly bride is beautiful.   In general, any situation that, if left unchecked, would result in the severance of friendly relations warrants bending the truth.   Yosef’s brothers said to him after their father’s death, “… Your father commanded before his death saying, “…Please pardon your brothers’ sin…’” Genesis 50:17.   Rashi explains that Yaakov never made such a command; he did not suspect that Yosef would harm his brothers.   In fact, the brothers fabricated this account in order to ensure their own safety.  This teaches that it is even permitted for one of the contending parties to bend the truth if it will help restore harmony.   The Talmud Yevamot 65b states that it is not only permitted to bend the truth for the sake of Derech Eretz, but it is even a mitzvah to do so.   WAGS 112-3

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GEN1295 The Midrash infers from this verse that one should extend hospitality to a relative free of charge for one month.   WAGS 179-180

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GEN1314 “One should be soft as a reed, not hard as a cedar tree.”   Taanis 20b.  This statement teaches that one must always speak gently, even when feeling agitated and irritable. This is an extremely difficult task, considering that even a spiritual giant such as Yaakov Avinu did not attain the highest level of this ability [this verse]. Our Sages comment that Yaakov’s response was inappropriate: “Is this how one responds to a suffering person? Your punishment will be that your children (born by Leah) will stand up before her (Rachel’s) children (meaning that Leah’s children will stand up before Yosef)!” Midrash Rabbah 71:6.  WAGS 29-30

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GEN1328 See [[GEN1328]] Genesis 31:14 Rachel WAGS 73-4

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GEN1333 The Mishnah Avot 5:10 teaches that refraining from speaking in the presence of a distinguished person is one of the signs of wisdom.   The Midrash describes the consequences of speaking in front of a greater person: “Why did Rachel die before her elder sister? Because she spoke in the presence of her sister, as [this verse] says, “And Rachel and Leah answered him and they said to him…”   She was punished even though Yaakov called Rachel first, as the verse says, “And Yaakov sent word and he called to Rachel and to Leah.”   [See also 49:5 WAGS 74] WAGS 73-4

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GEN1448 Although the mitzvah of “Love your friend as yourself” Leviticus 19:18 obligated one to be tolerant of other people’s customs, and Mussar works extol the importance of overcoming one’s character faults, one should not voluntarily place himself in a difficult situation.  This applies to testing one’s tolerance of others in the same way as it applies to testing one’s resolve against performing idolatry or succumbing to other forms of temptation.  Futhermore, by living in the vicinity of people who act differently, one is in constant danger of transgressing the commandment, “Do not harbor hatred for your brother in your heart.” Leviticus 19:17.   … [One needs] to have foresight and avoid situations that will necessitate relying on one’s resolve and good intentions to overcome difficulties.   Indeed, one must distance himself from such situations at all costs.   The idea that separation from people who act according to a different code of behavior is commendable is implied in Rashi’s interpretation of [this verse].  “From the guilt of Joseph’s brothers we learn of their praiseworthy traits: They were incapable of speaking in one way and feeling opposite emotions in their hearts.”   … By minimizing close contact with people who have different customs and who act according to a different code of behavior, one may avoid strained relationships.   WAGS 59-60

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GEN1449 Rambam [Maimonides] writes, “When a man commits a sin against another, the victim should not hate the sinner in his heart and keep silent, as the verse says concerning evildoers, ‘And Avshalom did not speak to Amnon a single word, neither good nor bad, for Avshalom hated Amnon’ Samuel 1 13:22.   Instead, it is a mitzvah to notify him of his sin and tell him, “Why did you do such and such to me, and why did you sin by committing this transgression?’ As the verse [Leviticus 19:17] says, “Surely rebuke your fellow man” Rambam, Laws of De’os 6:6.   … “Anger is better than laughter” Eccelesiastes 7:3.   Metzudos Dovid explains the meaning of this verse: “If a person commits a sin against another and the latter expresses his anger, this is preferable to his feigning friendliness. Expressing one’s anger has the effect of quelling that anger; the heart will become tranquil and the wronged party will not look for revenge. Conversely, if one feigns impartiality without forgiving, the feelings of anger will remain buried in his heart – when the opportunity arises, he will not have mercy and will take revenge.” WAGS 61-62

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GEN1528 One must not arouse other people’s envy.   This principle is derived from Yaakov Avinu’s directive to his sons [this verse].  Rashi explains that although they owned sufficient grain, Yaakov warned his sons against behaving as though they had sufficient food, for this type of behavior would arouse the envy of the sons of Yishmael and Eisav.   WAGS 154

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GEN1531 One must not arouse other people’s envy. … Yaakov warned his sons against entering Mitzrayim [Egypt] together through one gate, lest they become affected by the evil eye.  Since they were all handsome and strong, he was concerned that an observer’s envy would become aroused. [Rashi, this verse. See also Genesis Rabbah 91:6]. The Talmud Yerushalmi Berachot 4:2 instituted a special prayer to this end: “May it be Your will that I should not become envious of others, and that others should not become envious of me.”   … A person must refrain from displaying his wealth in public or from taking on the appearance of an exceptionally successful person.   One who has been blessed with numerous children should not flaunt them in public.  The only exception, when one may make a public display of his positive deeds, is when giving charity.  However, even this is only commendable if the public pledge will induce others to follow suit.  Otherwise, it is preferable to give charity discreetly.   It is then self-evident that person who makes a public pledge must give a large sum of money, since a pledge for a small amount of money will induce other people to donate only small sums.  WAGS 154-6

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