EXOD535 The obligation of the husband to provide physical pleasure for his wife through the act of sexual union is one part of the general obligations of every Jewish husband to his wife, to procreate and have children. Therefore, refusal to have sexual relations with his wife makes the man into a sinner, according to the Talmud, Yevamot 62b and it is grounds for divorce if either the man Maimonides, Hilchot Ishut 14:5 or the woman 14:8 refuses to have sex on a regular basis. This obligation exists even if the couple has already fulfilled the obligation to procreate, thus demonstrating that the sexual act, in and of itself, has positive value in Judaism.

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EXOD531 … sex is a conjugal right and duty inherent in the marital status. This duty is independent of procreative obligations and must be discharged even if the latter have already been fulfilled [this verse].

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EXOD533 Most other traditions in both the Occident and the Orient--and in American law as well, until recently--assume that men have sexual drives and women do not, but women acquiesce to the sexual advances of their husbands because they want economic security and children. Judaism, by contrast, from its earliest sources, assumes that women have sexual needs just as much as men do. [This verse] stipulates that even a man who marries a slave "must not withhold from her her food, clothing, or conjugal rights," and the Rabbis reasoned that this holds even more obviously for a man marrying a free woman. Thus, while a husband may never force himself upon his wife, the Mishnah stipulates the number of times each week he must offer to have sexual relations with her, which depends on how often his job enables him to be home. Conversely, he has rights to sex within marriage, too, and if his wife consistently refuses to have sex with him, he may gradually reduce the amount of money he has to pay her in the divorce settlement until he does not have to pay her anything. M. Ketubbot 5:6-7

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EXOD534 The Jewish tradition sees two primary purposes for sex within marriage, as evidenced by the two commands in the Torah to engage in sExodus One appears in Exodus 21, where the Torah says, at least as the Talmud understood it, that a man taking a woman in marriage may not deprive her of "her food, clothing, or conjugal rights" [this verse]. The other appears in the very first chapter of Genesis, in which God tells the first man and woman to "be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth." Genesis 1:28 Thus companionship and procreation are the two divinely ordained purposes of sex within marriage. Moreover, these are independent commandments. Thus before, during, and after the years that a couple plans to have children, the duty to have conjugal relations for the sake of companionship continues. God's desire, according to the Torah and the Talmud is that people should, if at all possible, live in marital partnership, regardless of their ability to procreate. [B. Yevamot 61b, where Rabbi Nahman, quoting Genesis 2:18, assets that "although a man may have many children, he must not remain without a wife, for the Torah says, 'It is not good that a man should be alone.'" Later Jewish law codes take this as authoritative law; see M.T. Laws of Marriage 15:16; Laws of Forbidden Intercourse 21:26; and S.A. Even Ha'ezer 1:8].

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EXOD532 In a Jewish marriage, over and above the question procreation, there exists the conjugal rights of the wife, technically termed onah. Thus, non-procreative intercourse such as occurs if the wife is too young to bear children, or is barren, or is pregnant, or post- menopausal, or following a hysterectomy, is not only allowed but required. Improper emission of seed (hashhatat zara) is not involved or is canceled out so long as the intercourse is in the manner of procreation. Not only are such sexual activities permitted, but they are in fact required by Biblical law based on [this verse]. "Marriage and marital relations are both independent of procreation, achieving the many desiderata spoken of in Talmudic, responsa, and mystic literatures." (Feldman, D. Birth Control in Jewish Law, 1968, New York Univ. Press, 322 pp.) Such goals include fulfilling the wife's desire, physical release of the husband's sexual pressures, and the maintenance of marital harmony and domestic peace. A lengthy chapter in Feldman's book is devoted to a discussion of the legitimacy of sexual pleasure in Judaism. He quotes Nahmanidies who said that "Sexual intercourse is holy and pure when carried on properly, in the proper time and with the proper intentions. No one should claim that it is ugly or unseemly. God forbid! ..." In a similar vein, Rabbi Jacob Emden is cited as having said: "... To us the sexual act is worthy, good and beneficial even to the soul. No other human activity compares with it; when performed with pure and clean intention it is certainly holy. There is nothing impure or defective about it, rather much exaltation..." Thus, whereas Christian teaching promulgates that procreation is the sole purpose of marriage and sexual intercourse, Judaism requires that not only need procreation result from sex, but mutual pleasure is sufficient reason for the sex act.

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EXOD536 The Talmud states that any sexual behavior is permitted to a married couple. In Exodus 21:10, we find the concept of onah, according to which a husband is obligated to fulfill his wife's sexual desires. Her sexual rights in the context of marriage are clearly established. (It is interesting to note that the Talmud presumes that a man will assert his sexual rights, but a woman might not). From this point of view, as long as they engage in sex in a private setting and neither is forcing the other to do anything, nothing on either person’s list should be out of bounds. For me personally, there are two notable exceptions: degrading language and engaging in a menage-a-trois. If we accept that each human being is created in the image of God, degrading language is unacceptable under every circumstance, for married or unmarried couples alike. [If the couple is “acting out” degrading language as part of a mutually agreed upon role-play or fantasy, however, that is a different story.) Additionally, if we accept that monogamy and fidelity are the cornerstones of marriage in our broader Torah tradition, then a menage-a-trois falls outside the bounds of monogamy. Consenting adults can do what they want, but this particular behavior is outside the bounds of marriage as it is currently Jewishly understood. If we accept the principles of an integrated brain, together with the values of Torah as guides for our sexual interactions, then our sexual decision-making should reflect them both. We can consider the purpose of sexual interaction before engaging in it, fully experienced it while we engage in it, and savor the experience afterward. This creates a full, complete, and satisfying sexual interaction regardless of the particular behaviors that we choose to engage in. (By Ron Levine)

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EXOD537 A husband's obligations to his wife are listed in the Pentateuch: "Her food, her raiments, and her conjugal rights, he shall not diminish" [this verse]. "Food" is the comprehensive term for board and lodging. The standard of living which a husband must provide depends upon his income. It is unethical to demand of a wife that she be content with a living standard below that which is maintained by the average person within her husband's income bracket. It is equally unethical for a husband with a potential for a higher income to deny it to his wife on the ground that he prefers greater leisure than most people of his age enjoy. On the other hand, it is unethical of a wife to demand a higher standard of living which is beyond her husband's ability to attain. Men who are married to wealthy women may tend to slack in their efforts to make an adequate living. The rabbis were generally critical of husbands who prefer to depend on their wives' income (Pesachim 50b). They issued a dire warning to him who secretly entertains hopes of inheriting his wife's estate. "In the end she will bury him" (Avot deRabbi Natan 3:3). Many modern families have two breadwinners. Women seek employment to increase the family income or out of a preference for the stimulation and challenge of a job. A wife's gainful work is perfectly proper, provided it does not preclude the primary function of bringing children into the world or deprive young children of a parent's company and supervision.

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EXOD538 It was taught: R. Eliezer b. Yaakov says: "her flesh, her clothing"-in accordance with her "flesh," give her clothing. Do not give the clothing of a young girl to an old woman, or that of an old woman to a young girl. "Her clothing and her time"-In accordance with her time [in this instance, the time of year], give her a clothing. Do not give her new [heavy] clothing in the summertime or worn [light] clothing in the wintertime (Kethuvoth 48a)

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EXOD539 Sex … is not exclusively for procreation; it is also for the mutual bonding of the couple, emotionally as well as physically. The Rabbis derived this notion from [this verse], according to which a man owes his wife "her food, clothing, and her conjugal rights." [M. Ketubbot 5:6]. As they usually do with regard to any commandment, they then define exactly how this commandment may be fulfilled by determining how often a man must offer to engage in sexual relations with his wife. They maintained that it depends on the degree to which his job enables him to be home at night, and that consequently a man may not change his job to one that will bring him home at night less often without his wife's permission. Conversely, men also have rights to sex in marriage, but, remarkably, the Talmud already prohibits marital rape [B. Eruvin 100b; Leviticus Rabbah 9:6; Numbers Rabbah 13:2; M.T. Laws of Ethics 5:4; M.T. Laws of Marriage 14;15; M.T. Laws of Forbidden Intercourse 21:11; S.A. Orah Hayim 240:10; S.A. Even Ha-Ezer 25:2, gloss], which was not prohibited in any American state until 1975 and not in all American states until 1993. If his wife repeatedly refused to engage in conjugal relations, then, the Mishnah's remedy was that he could diminish what he owed her in divorce by a certain amount each week until he could divorce her without paying her anything and marry someone else [M. Ketubbot 5:7], for he too has a right to sexual satisfaction in marriage. This recognition of the role of sex in a couple's physical satisfaction and emotional bonding, together with their respect for medicine, has made Jews quite willing to use medical and psychological interventions to overcome sexual dysfunctions, and to use artificial reproductive techniques to overcome infertility. (By Elliot N. Dorff)

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EXOD540 (Continued from [[GEN1172]] Genesis 24:14 her BLOCH 213-4). The fine character of the wife must be matched by the equally fine character of her husband if the couple is to create the wholesome home environment essential to the upbringing of children. Yet the early Judaic literature on the subject appears to give greater emphasis to the moral stature of the wife. Eliezer informed Rebecca's family of Isaac's great wealth (Genesis 24:36) but did not touch on the question of Isaac's character. The lyrical description of an admirable wife by the author of Proverbs, "A woman a virtual who can find?" (Proverbs 31:10) [aka "Eshet Hayil" -- AJL], has no parallel passage along the lines of "A man a virtual who can fine?" Warnings against the influence of immoral wives (Ecclesiastes 7:26, Proverbs 9:13) are not coupled with similar censures of the damaging influence of roguish husbands. Hagiographical admonitions to young men are mostly centered on their obligations to honor their parents. On the other hand, admonitions to young women mainly relate to their roles as wives and their obligations to their husbands. Any conclusion that the stress on a wife's qualifications and duties is an indication of the prejudicial attitudes of a male-oriented society is fallacious. On the contrary, the Pentateuch lists a husband's obligations to his wife [this verse] but has no similar text mandating a wife's duties to her husband. Indeed, according to rabbinical rules, a wife who has the means to hire servants is exempt from performing domestic duties. Surely such a liberal law reflects no anti-feminist prejudice. Similarly, the fact that father and mother were placed on an equal level in the Decalogue with regard to filial obligations of parental honor dispels any notion of sexual discrimination. The biblical emphasis on the woman's qualifications for marriage was primarily due to her vital position as the first teacher in the life of her young children and her ability to influence their ethical perceptions at a most formative age. The Book of Proverbs distinguishes between the role of the father and the role of the mother in the raising of children. The father disciplines but the mother instructs (Proverbs 1:8).

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